2026 06 12
i have just had a peculiar experience. i shall call this one "hornet in the hot tub"...
it's june, which means it's officially summertime here in texas. so of course i've been chilling at the pool a bit during the day, getting some vitamin D, doing some reading and writing -- it's my favorite part of the day during summer; i feel like the sun gives me so much inspiration.
well, i was craving a warm soak, so i popped into the hot tub. it was all quiet up there, so i could hear this faint buzzing in the water, and i noticed motion out of the corner of my eye. well, upon moving closer i realized that there was in fact a tiny beautiful bug struggling in the water. now, i'm no entomologist, but i do hapopen to know a little more about bugs than the average person. i have kept a few insects and arachnids as pets (mantids are my favorites by far). basically, i know enough about bugs to know that mother nature invested 100% of her robotics budget into the arthropod family. they are nature's beautiful little engineering projects, and they really do operate like little robots. some of them look like Apple or Tesla designs, while others appear to have been cobbled together in a garage, but i find all of them charming in their own way.
well, this bug in particular was beautifully engineered, i mean STUNNING. i could see that clearly, even as it was struggling in the water, unable to free itself and fly away. it was a wasp, specifically a cuckoo wasp, otherwise known as an emerald wasp because of its beautiful jewel-toned coloration -- i will attach a photo of one so that you can see it too. and if i'm being honest, i could probably only see how beautiful it was *because* it was struggling in the water. normally if there's a wasp buzzing around me (and you can really tell when it's a wasp, can't you? they have that sinister buzz.), i am just trying to get away from the wasp, because they are obviously kind of a liability in the air. but this wasp was vulnerable to me, and thus i could see him in all his beauty. he was thrashing around his beautiful coat of blue and green like a jewel in motion. it was as close as i have gotten to seeing a live iridescent bark mantis, which i would love to lay my eyes upon someday.
so i'm just fascinated by this wasp, watching it throw its beautiful gemstone body around, but the whole time it's buzzing loudly like it's really freaking out and needs help. my first instinct is just to leave it, to not intervene because it's a wasp and a wasp is a "bad bug" and intervening in the natural world is usually not a good idea anyway. but then i start thinking, well, how natural is a hot tub on the roof of a tall building in the city, really? and why am i thinking of a wasp as a "bad bug" when it's just a member of the natural order of things like anything else, even myself? even the name we give to this little animal, "wasp", is just a word, with meanings and connotations that only make sense to a human mind. to himself, the wasp just is. and right now, he's struggling right in front of me, and i'm doing nothing. am i projecting my human morals onto this wasp, or am i just afraid of getting stung?
strangely, i was reminded of the experience of rescuing my cat leonard, which i have written about on my main blog before. he was abandoned by his mother at a construction site across the street from my home, and one day he just tumbled out in front of my car, this tiny helpless thing. it's odd, but sometimes i feel like nature has positioned me for kindness, like i am on a stage and the next movement is clear. you see, i suspect that kindness functions somewhat like an evolutionary fail-safe. in my mind, that's what altrusim is: it is the mechanism in nature that gives way when the game theory of evolution gets too severe or competitive. there must be some vulnerability in the system, and that's why real kindness is always brave. whether it's a kitten or a hornet, if i feel in my soul that nature needs me to help a vulnerable creature, i will do it. and make no mistake, i am not overly emotional or given to compassion where it isn't actually beneficial. i just happen to take my dharma seriously, and it just happens to involve a lot of kindness and a lot of bravery. so far, this kindness has not come back to bite me.
and sure enough, the wasp flew away peacefully after i freed it from its watery prison. i like to think that it will remember me kindly -- i remember reading somewhere that wasps and hornets have really good memories. even the speed with which it flew away after i freed it was a testament to its fine engineering; it didn't need to let its wings dry at all, just took off flying immediately. (i would compare it to an Audi.) and i was thinking, what a simple act of kindness made the difference between life and death for that little guy. what a good thing that i didn't let my various bug prejudices allow this little prayer from nature to go unanswered. it made me wonder how often we unknowingly deny nature the kindness that it requests of us, and how often do we get caught up moralizing and moralizing when really, we're just afraid of getting stung?
at risk of waxing poetic... i have learned that there is a reward for altruism, and it's a rare glimpse at the true beauty of the system, with even the splendor of the predators laid bare and apparent by their vulnerability to you. if you answer the prayers of nature with kindness, you experience, just for a moment, the perfect completeness of the system. you can see it in the emerald hues of the insect glittering high in the sun, life spared, after you witnessed him struggle. in kindness, there is sometimes perfect clarity.
2026 06 08
hello from santa monica, CA! i am here with my boyfriend for a few days. we are staying in a cute hotel right by the pier. last night we had some delicious indian food at this local place called "rita's gate of india" and watched the 2013 version of "the great gatsby", which he had never seen before!
i have been interested in f. scott fitzgerald's writing lately. i already knew he was a master of the short story format (he was best known for his short stories during his lifetime), but it's so cool to see how he developed his ability to craft a longer narrative over time. his first novel "this side of paradise" contained some really beautiful prose, but it was also rambling and academic. i'm currently reading his second novel "the beautiful and damned" and it has a much better sense of plot and character, and fitzgerald seems to be more confident in his voice. but "the great gatsby", which was his third novel, just knocks it out of the fucking park! the characters move the plot along seamlessly so that they melt together, there is a beautiful momentum and interlinking of events, and he retains his gorgeous ear for prose. it's so nice to experience fitzgerald's growth over time as a writer, because it makes me feel like i can put less pressure on myself when i think about writing my own first novel. it really doesn't have to be perfect; there is so much room for growth. it's better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly!
well, that's all i have for now. i actually have a lot more to say, but i don't want to make this too long, so maybe i'll just write it in my notes. business is booming in the thought-factory, woo!
2026 05 15
i just want to document this new wall art installation i made! i am LOVING it even more than i thought i would. i made this by sourcing a display panel from a slot machine (there are lots of them on ebay) and then mounting it on my wall with offset screws. then i placed a LED light bar behind it to create the scrolling rainbow effect. i wanted it to feel like i was walking through a futuristic Tokyo side street when i walk over to my desk area from my living room, and i think i achieved that! this is technically the third one of these i've made -- the other two are unicorn themed and cherry themed. maybe someday i'll post pics of them on my website.
i looove making things. it feels so good to make things with my own two hands, and to look at it afterwards and know it's the only one in the entire world. there's something intimate and deeply expressive about a personal creative output. i hope i continue to make things forever ♡ ~
2026 05 14
yay i'm finally feeling 100% better! it's always so nice to return to form. i feel good in my body again; i'm active and healthy and able to do all the things i want to do. yippee!
i've been doing a lot of spring cleaning, including reorganizing my closet, which has been a long time coming. it feels so good to inhabit my space the way i want to; it feels like my body and home are mirroring each other in that way. how fulfilling!
i've been spending a lot of time with my friends, especially taranee since she is leaving for california soon. i will miss her so much when she's gone, but hopefully it will only be for a year (or maybe even less). i'm sure we will keep in touch, but i'll miss her a lot, so it's good to get to spend time with her before she leaves. the friend she is currently staying with, cam r., is quickly becoming a good friend of mine also! we have been hanging out as a trio and that's been really fun. i have also been enjoying the company of kaylen and pavlina, two other friends taranee introduced me to. i think taranee is the most socially intelligent person i know, and i feel lucky to have been introduced to so many lovely people through her. last night i had taranee, cam r., and pavlina over at my place until the wee hours of the morning just chatting and watching youtube videos, it was so much fun <3
my bf is coming back tomorrow, and i'm so excited to see him! i have so much to be happy about in my sweet little life. i am so grateful for the blessings of good health and friendship! also, i started writing a new short story that i'm really excited about ~
2026 05 10
bless my sweet boyfriend for staying with me an extra night to help me feel better. there have been moments of beauty despite the circumstances, and he looks after me so sweetly. last night he read my mind (!) that i wanted yellow curry from my favorite thai restaurant for dinner; i was opening the food delivery app to order it when he called me and asked if i would like him to pick up some yellow curry on his way back to my place. i can't believe our connection sometimes! i called in the order & it was ready when he arrived, at just the right time. it was so nourishing. and tonight he cooked us a lovely dinner which we ate together in my living room while the sun set. it was all silent, just the two of us. then i realized the bats were flowing by outside my window (i live in an area with a large urban bat colony). so i sat on my window bench and enjoyed my dinner and watched the bats go streaming by in big black ribbons across the sky. he sat on the couch across the room, and it was so gratifying just to be there with each other in a moment of beauty and peace. it's nice to be so comfortable with someone in that way. i hope he knows how much i appreciate him.
meanwhile he has been biking all around town enjoying the nice weather, and crafting his personal website at night. i'm so proud of him; his website looks so good. seeing all his accomplishments makes me feel so lucky to be in his life, and to have the attention of such a captivating figure.
gah, my writing gets so simplistic when i'm ill. brain fog is such a real thing. i also make dumb mistakes when i'm sick, like throwing away food that is still good. i can't wait to be better again so i can think my thoughts PROPERLY.
well, i'll feel better soon, i'm sure. my precious cats have been keeping me company, and i revamped my mineral display cabinet, and these have been bringing me much joy ! hopefully i will be feeling better soon ~
2026 05 09
blehh i am sick. it's funny, i don't get sick very often, but it seems the intervals between illnesses for me are just such that as soon as i have stopped appreciating my good health, i get a little sicky. it's almost like a perfectly timed reminder, every time, to not take my good health for granted. i had just been healthy for long enough that i had stopped thinking, "man, it's so great to be able to breathe through my nose." and that's when i fell ill !
well, i'm trying to make the best of it. one nice thing about being sick is that i have plenty of time to go through all the pictures of the wonderful trip to POLAND I took a few weeks ago with my wonderful POLISH-AMERICAN BOYFRIEND who i love so much. we had such a wonderful time; i will never forget that trip. i feel so lucky & special to have this man in my life. he treats me so kindly and shows me such beautiful things, and traveling with him is such a joy. he is such an incredible person; such intensity and passion about everything. it was such a blessing to see poland by his side. we ate some amazing food, including some delicious vegan georgian cuisine and a tomatoey-egg dish called "shakshuka," which besides being fun to say is also really good, and we even experienced some polish nightlife with my bf's friends! it was such a fun time. i will post some photos here:
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so i guess it's good to appreciate what you have while you have it. looking back on fun and healthy times is a nice motivator for me to cherish my health and good memories. i am so grateful to be alive & in love ~ !
2026 04 01
i am not glad to live in a world with drones that can kill people. i am not glad to live in a world with AI-generated pornography of unconsenting women. i am not glad to live in a world with loosening environmental regulations in the midst of a climate crisis. i am not glad to live in a world with forced labor, and reeducation camps, and a constant threat of nuclear war. i am not glad to live in a divided world; i am not glad to feel like a healthy cell in a sick organism.
but i am glad to live in a world with computers and video calls. i am glad to live in a world with deep-sea exploration and dairy alternatives. i am glad to live in a world that is more connected to itself than ever. i am glad to live in a world where it's still possible to lay in the grass and have a picnic, or make some art, or laugh with friends. slowly we are waking up to the opportunities still left in this world, and the brand-new ones we can create. slowly the organism is healing. the future is alive and healthy, and it's all around us, it's within us.
2026 03 26
hello :) i have been meaning to make something like a "mini-blog" for a while now, and i am so glad to have finally done so ~
i enjoy making long-form posts on my main blog, but sometimes i put too much pressure on myself to make really impressive and exhaustive posts on there, so i think it will be nice to have a low-stakes way to express myself here.
i plan to post personal updates and random little photos from my life. i will think of it like a virtual notebook where i post snippets and musings so i can come back to them later. maybe you will find some enjoyment in my thoughts as well.
i dearly appreciate you, reader !
i wish you blessings and inspiration.